We've Seen 'Em. (Shhhh!)
Now,
Here's What's in 'Em by Bob Ellison
DOWNLOAD PAMELA'S SEX TAPE HERE
Blowjob
 It
all began after a quiet lunch at a small restaurant in Sherman Oaks,
California.
As the plates were being cleared, a booming voice struck from behind.
"Hey, pal! Want a scoop?"
It was Marvin the Mensch, a colorful, Runyonesque, middle-aged scalawag
with a charming gift of gab, an exuberant love of life and a permanent
smile, who has spent a lifetime chasing rainbows on the third rail of the
fast lane.
Over the years, he has worked, among other vocations, as both an actor and
director in low-budget, dirt-cheap, penny-poor videos.
His true calling, however, is always deftly dabbling with an angle.
"So, you want a scoop?" Marvin beamed.
Did he have one?
"You kidding?" he chortled. "I got the Pamela Lee tape."
Pamela Lee?
Oh, of course--Pamela
Anderson Lee, of Baywatch and Barb Wire fame!
But did he mean the notorious tape of Pamela SEXercising with her hubby,
Tommy Lee, the heavily tattooed drummer for rockdom's rebellious Mötley
Crüe?
The sex tape the amorous
couple shot for their own private amusement? The tape where their privates,
and plenty more, are plentifully displayed, doing the Wild Thing?
Indeed, Bunky--that tape!
The very same one the Lusty Lees claim was stolen by a contractor doing
work on their Malibu home and eventually bought by Penthouse.
The very same one for which they sued Penthouse for $10 million in damages
and the return of the tape--and lost.
And so, just how did this charming rapscallion acquire the steamy video?
To hear him tell it, Dame Fortune just happened to smile upon his cherubic
features one sunny California day when he just happened to be wandering
down an isolated road in the scenic hills along Mulholland Drive and
suddenly saw (yes, suddenly saw), lying right there in the middle of the
smoldering asphalt, a lonely videocassette: forlorn, abandoned, yearning
to be taken home and viewed.
Uh-huh, sure. Who could doubt him?
Indeed. Finding this tape was the kind of divine break many dream of--when
Lady Luck at long last not only plants a big, wet one on your parched lips
but gives you a hickey. The pluperfect platinum opportunity to make a
score, a really humongous $$$CORE.
Marvin the Mensch dreams, too.
And he dreams big. Really BIG.
Boy, does he ever!
Exercising the entrepreneurial spirit that has made America great, Marvin
the Mensch planned to market this video on the Internet.
And he planned to jet out of the U.S. and into a distant galaxy far, far
away the next morning at 6, realizing a firestorm might erupt.
You see, Marvin doesn't actually own the rights to the tape.
So, did I want to see it?
Does Rodman wear a dress?
Thus, on a recent Saturday night, it was off to a secluded area of the San
Fernando Valley (that suburban, sweaty armpit of Los Angeles) for a
personal screening of the Pubic Perils of Pamela, which Marvin was
frenetically editing in a desolate warehouse in preparation for his big
coup.
The tape runs approximately three hours, but he adroitly trimmed it to its
carnal core: a swift and sexy 60 minutes.
Naturally, he eviscerated the banal stuff, like boring shots of their dog,
and Pammy and Tommy making funny faces, mugging for the camera, wearing
clothes, etc.
Now, as for the randy one-hour:
Birds do it, bees do it--yep, even celeb fleas do it. But, surprise: no
differently than the average putz and bimbo.
And the footage is indeed nitty-gritty. Blatantly so. But there'll be no
leering here, please. Couples videotaping their erotic scrimmages is just
a trend of the times, thanks to the innovation of the camcorder.
Consequently the descriptions that follow are not meant to arouse prurient
interest but instead educate and inform in a sophisticated, civilized
manner.
And, of course, there will be NO-NO-NO judgmental carping here. Instead,
the Lees' lustful escapades will be analyzed solely by traditional
artistic, aesthetic and critical standards.
Now, to immediately answer the most asked questions:
YES-YES-YES, in plain view and close-up, Tommy's dangling priapic
participle. And Pam's infinitive is definitely split.
But, all the raunch is less salacious than sociologically significant. How
so?
Simple. Their sensual scrums are dangerous--really dangerous.
For example, while Tommy drives, Pam energetically performs, in close-up,
an act that would not allow her to talk at the same time.
Not even to mumble that itty-bitty, teensy-weensy bikini-brained Baywatch
dialogue.
But the most intriguing part of this sequence is the camera angle. If it
were graded on degree of difficulty, as in an Olympics competition, Ms.
Lee would get a 9, for sure.
But her skill at the act itself? Sadly, no higher than a 6.
Which begs the question: Why didn't they just pull off the road, like any
intelligent horny couple and get comfortable?
Additional salacious scrimmages on a boat follow.
At sea, the element that fascinates is not the sex but Pam's totally
unique and innovative handling of the camcorder while simultaneously
getting boinked.
The view--graphic, explicit--is completely original. Gotta be seen to be
believed.
"She could win a damn award for the way she handles that camera," Marvin
chuckled, respectfully.
He's right. Her grade? A perfect 10!!!
The irony of the tape is, of course, that Pam had just won a case where
she was able to opt out of a movie because she said she didn't want to do
nudity.
All good dramas naturally need comic relief.
Hence, Tommy, ever-ever tumescent, HONK-HONKS a boat horn by pounding on
it. And we don't mean with a drumstick.
Imaginative, indeed. But not particularly practical. Particularly since
he's got a nude-nude Pam nearby.
Ah, but the real irony is what this tape might do for Tommy's ultrabad,
BAD-ASS image.
"Oh, yeah," Marvin roared contemptuously. "Wanna see the sissy of all time?!
I mean, here's Mr. Macho: He rides with the bikers, has piercings, tattoos,
whatever, hah! Watch this!"
And so begins the Pisces Episode.
Tommy catches a fish.
A little fish.
Only a wee, six-inch fish.
But as he unhooks his new, finny friend, he suddenly SCREAMS:
"SONUVABITCH! It f---in' bit me!"
Oh, the terror of it all!
Jaws lives--but in mini-mini-miniature.
So, Terrible Tommy puts on a glove to handle the bite-size beastie.
Yeah, a glove.
It's all too true. "His fans are gonna love this!" sneered Marvin.
Now is their chance. At the not very imaginatively (not that they need to
be) named www.pamlee.com.
The Pamela Lee sex tape
sells for just $100, plus $6 for postage and handling.
Ummm, let's see. Selling just 10,000 copies at a hundred bucks a pop would
bring in...would bring in...HOLY HUMPING BONANZA!!! (Actually, last I
heard, the little bugger was discounted to $49.95--still quite a haul,
considering it's "found" money.)
And for Marvin the Mensch's next trick? Well, at last word, Pamela Lee's
attorneys had enjoined our boy from selling the tapes--but he was
steadfastly refusing to shut down his Websites and had transmogrified into
the Artful Dodger, pogo-sticking from continent to continent, darting and
ducking to avoid any judicial action resulting from his ballsy reach for
the brass ring.
In his wanderings, though, he also has a mission:
To find the rumored video of that Notorious Gerbil with that Famous Actor.
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